Ask Maureen: Q's and A's
Maureen is a social worker and grief counselor. Through the years, she has worked with many older adults who have lost wives, husbands, friends, and other loved ones. She has also helped many people who have been concerned about their grieving friends. Today she answers questions about what to say and do for people who are experiencing a loss.
Q: My friend Elizabeth's husband died last week and I'm worried about her. She isn't crying much. Some of the things that she's saying seem strange. What can I do to help?
A: Not everyone shows feelings in the same way after someone they love has died. Your friend is probably in the beginning phases of grief and is feeling shock, disbelief, or denial. There is no "best" way to grieve, nor is there a set process of grieving. Your friend will experience many different emotions throughout her grieving process. The most helpful thing that you can do is to simply listen and be there to love and accept her.
Q: My neighbor's daughter died suddenly. I'm in shock and I know she is, too. I haven't called her because I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. What can I say to her?
A: When someone has suffered such a huge, unexpected loss, there's no "right thing" to say. The most important thing is for you to pick up the phone or walk over to your neighbor's house and be there for her.
Often, grieving people are uncomfortable asking for help, even if they need it. Ask if you can pick up groceries or prepare some meals. Taking the weight of everyday tasks off of her shoulders will leave her time and space to grieve.
When you visit her, she may or may not want to talk about what's happened. Allow her to talk or be silent if she wishes. Don't be afraid to talk about her daughter. Sharing good memories can be very helpful.
Q: My friend's wife died a year ago, and he still hasn't moved on. How can I help him to get on with his life?
A: Grieving can take a long time. Everyone is different. Try not to suggest that your friend should just "get over it." He needs to work through his grief in his own way.
Being there for your friend is the best thing that you can do. Invite him to join you to see a movie or take a walk.
If his down mood does not begin to slowly improve and he has trouble sleeping, eating, and carrying out everyday activities, he may be depressed. You might suggest that he talk with someone—a counselor, a clergy person, or a support group.
