Stress Test
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Hey, you with the world on your shoulders! Yes, you! That planet sure looks heavy.
You're doing just fine, you say?
Try this exercise. Read through the following stories. Choose the story and the letter next to the story that sounds most like you, and how you deal with stress. Then read the suggestions that follow.
1.)
A. Bill and Sophie live in the country.
• - Their closest neighbor is two miles away. • - Bill has congestive heart failure and diabetes. His vision is poor. • - Sophie has arthritis, but she's able to get around better than Bill can.
To care for Bill, Sophie takes care of herself. • - Every morning she calls her sister. The women's group at her church brings dinner for her and Bill once a week. • - Lately she's been using the Internet to "chat" with other adults whose lives are like hers. She's made many new friends that way.
Like Sophie, I take time for myself.
B. When Linda's son, Bob, was a teenager, he was paralyzed in a diving accident.
• - Linda and her husband Gerald took care of Bob at home after the accident. • - Gerald died last year, and Linda continues to take care of Bob. • - More and more, she needs to have outside help. Last month she had to go into the hospital for a few days for her own health problems. • - Even though the home health care aide had helped to care for Bob for many months, Linda worried constantly while she was away from home. She had left all of the important emergency information for the aide. Still, she was anxious that something would go wrong.
Like Linda, I don't feel anyone can take care of my loved one as well as me.
C. José is proud of the fact that he always takes care of things himself. He has worked hard his whole life and he does all of the handy work around his house.
• - He doesn't like going to the doctor. When he's sick, he goes to the drug store and buys medicine off the shelf. • - Now his wife, Alma, has Parkinson's disease. Her condition is getting worse. • - Jose has very little time "off." He's doing everything he used to do as well as everything his wife used to take care of. He's not getting much sleep, but he's finding that if he sleeps a little bit less than he used to, he can manage it all—for now.
Like José—right now I am managing it all, but it is taking its toll.
2.)
A. Roger was finding it hard to keep up with taking care of his wife all of the time.
• - His neighbor suggested that he call the adult day center in their town. • - He did, and Roger's wife began to go there for a day or two every week. The center even sends a van to pick her up and bring her home. She enjoys being with other people. • - Roger has a little break, too. He even has time to go bowling with his old friends once a week.
Like Roger, I got the help I need and feel less stress.
B. Ever since Maria's husband had a stroke, he's been acting differently than he used to.
• - He says mean things to her and pushes away the food that she makes for him. She's trying not to lose her patience, but it's hard. • - Lately Maria has been getting upset about small everyday problems. She finds herself crying, sometimes for what seems like no reason at all.
Like Maria—my spouse is different and I feel sad and upset.
C. Patty and Doug are in their late fifties. They have two teenagers at home and Patty's mother, Martha, lives with them.
• - Martha has Alzheimer's disease and lately she's been wandering away from home while Patty and Doug are at work and their children are at school. • - Patty gets frantic when she comes home and her mother is missing. • - The stress of work, having two teenagers, and caring for Martha is wearing Patty out. She's angry and tired all of the time. She and Doug have no time alone. Patty's sister and brother live nearby, but they haven't offered to give Patty and Doug a break.
Like Patty—I feel angry and overwhelmed much of the time. Taking care of my loved one at home is very difficult.
3.)
A. When Mary's husband was ill, her daughter visited him every Tuesday night. Mary left during those visits to go to her "Life with Cancer Caregivers meeting."
• - Talking with other people who shared her problems helped her to cope. She felt less alone. • - She also learned new ways to be a better caregiver. • - Mary's husband died last year, and now Mary is leading the caregivers' meetings. She wants to give something back to those who helped her. She's doing that by teaching others how she got by.
Like Mary, I joined a support group. I still see people in the group and would be willing (am) doing volunteer work to work through my grief.
B. Ricardo was the head cook at the best Mexican restaurant in town for many years. He's used to doing things quickly and well.
• - After he retired, his wife's health began to fail. Ricardo started to run his house the way he used to run the restaurant. • - When the home health care nurse comes to help out, Ricardo gets annoyed with her. She doesn't feed his wife the way that he does. The nurse thinks that he should rent a hospital bed for his wife to put in the living room. He thinks his wife is perfectly fine upstairs.
Like Ricardo, I believe I know what is best for my loved one.
C. Janet is losing weight on her "guilt diet."
• - Her 90-year-old father lives with her. She also looks after her 10-year-old grandson and 6-year-old granddaughter every day after school. • - She feels guilty about not spending enough time with her father when the children are around. She feels guilty about not being able to take the children to the park because she can't leave her father. She feels guilty that she doesn't have more money to make any of their lives easier.
Like Janet, there is not enough of me to spread around. I am under stress and can't seem to meet the needs of everyone around me.
Suggestions
If you answered mostly A's:
Keep up the good work!
• By taking good care of yourself, you have the energy to take good care of your loved one. • Share what you've learned about giving yourself needed breaks. • Think about leading a support group in your community.
If you answered mostly B's:
• You may be putting too much pressure on yourself.
• Is your loved one comfortable and safe? Are you doing what you can to keep him or her as independent as possible? If so, you're doing enough. • Often people who are ill may act differently than they used to. They may say things that they don't mean. Try not to take their anger and trying behavior to heart. Allow yourself plenty of breaks so that you can deal with your own frustration. If you're feeling very stressed, call a counselor, your doctor, or a clergy person. • Also, remember that not all things in life will stay the same. Not all things can be fixed. Do the best you can and try to be flexible. Let other people help you, even if they don't always do things the way you would do them yourself.
If you answered mostly C's:
You need more support than you're getting.
• You might also feel better if you could talk with someone about all of the burdens that are on your shoulders. • Join our discussion board to find others who share your concerns. If you can get away from home for an hour or two, join a support group. If you can't leave home easily, try an on-line support group. Join the Family Caregiver Alliance online support group by clicking here: http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/jsp/content_node.jsp?nodeid=486 • It also might be time for you to ask for some help from other family members. Because you've always managed things so well, your relatives may not know that you could really use a break.
